dancing

In February, 1998, we sat in the RIC theater, waiting for the Festival Ballet to come on. It was part of my Valentine's gift to you, as you spoke so happily of the years you danced.

The conversation somehow turned to talk of marriage, and you said something to the effect of not knowing why people are in such a rush to be married. After an awkward few minutes of conversation, where you tried to elaborate on what you meant, we left it alone.

A couple of days later you left me a card with the sweetest explanation of what you meant, talked of the longing of wanting to have a child. Your words read of such sincerity, it was apparent that you didn't want me discouraged, I smile every time I think of it. It is still one of my favorite cards from you, although they're all so hard to rank.

through a looking glass

The Friday after i arrived home from Florida and had to confront my e-affair, we went to a party at some friends' home. These are very good friends, people who in spite of their income are truly down to earth and fun.

It's always a social setting that provides this other framework in which to see you. It's a cliche, but you were always the most beautiful woman at all parties, and interesting, your distinctive laugh punctuating your conversations.

newborn skin

The first week of L***'s birth, she awoke for her night time feeding, and you brought her in and lay her on our bed. Electra purred and made circles around her, and i started talking to her, the kind of happy talk only a new parent can feel.

You told me not to get her excited, and i laughed.... how can a one week year old even know what's going on around her let alone feel excitement?

Having her there bonded us in such a way as I had never considered in my life. The memory of you talking with me on our bed in August 1997, telling me you wanted children, became so alive, so happy it was the closest i had been to having a perfect feeling of contentment.