storyland

Finally, you said it point blank... again. This time i won't question any further:

"I don't want to work on the marriage."

i am angry, but not for the reasons you may think. i am angry because why , in spite of your self centeredness and uncaring personality, am i still in love with you? i have made mistakes, but i was also very, very committed to you. And yet, all i hear is, "You're not worth it."

Last memory.

June 2007, camping and Storyland. It was a lot more fun than i thought it would be, especially spending time with the girls at the campsite. i looked forward to the nights with you, after the girls fell asleep. The first couple were unremarkable, we turned in early, but the third night we stayed up, playing cards. In the darkness, with little light from the fire, your face took on new textures and colors, another one of those instances where i was taken aback by how lovely you were. i then knew that there wasn't an end to what i'd see about you, and looked forward to years of new places and lighting that brought you to life again.

i guess i am the only one who wanted us brought to life again. This morning's comment didn't surprise me... it was an all too familiar feeling of how you have thought about us for years.

Thank you for ten and a half years... i am scared that i will never have it again.

Eternal Sunshine

God, your smile.

Never knew what I could do to elicit one from you. Usually if I stared long enough, you'd notice and smile. While shopping, I'd watch you walking up and down aisles of clothes with a half smile on your face, doing that head movement you do when your neck bothered you. Both were so predictable I was comforted in their certainty.

You are fading from me, more so than before. I am both comforted and saddened. Pretty soon I will be so indifferent to you that we can be friendly, and those ten and a half years just a season in our lives.

I will miss you.

Death Support

Walking out into the backyard on a spring Saturday morning, ready to start the house projects. We'd work in the yard almost all day until the sun became too much... the girls would play in their sandbox a lot longer than we thought they would. Looking around and seeing you, L*** and C*******, I knew how lucky I was, and yet it was forgotten when I needed you more than you would give and sought elsewhere.

Almost everything of mine has been moved from the house, like life slipping away from a terminally ill patient.

cardboard monuments

Cards were always your way of expressing yourself best. I never bored of how you wrote "To My Beloved C****" or called yourself my "dearest of A*****s".

Writing them brought out a kind of poetry in you, comments about our relationship from an angle I wouldn't thought of... askew observations that always made you you.

The words are now too unbearable..... someday they will sing of all that you have forgotten.

a dance

A favorite image of you from 1997, when I would go into the store and you would approach me to talk. I loved how you used your whole body to tell a story: legs slightly askew, arms and hands gesticulating madly, your eyes and mouth in an incredulous smiles as though you were in disbelief at what you were saying.

As years went on, you were always like that when talking passionately about something. It never became old, seeing that act, and I now know that it is because it reminded me of those early days, while also a promise for the future.

Newburyport

Although i had a lot to say about our anniversary trip to Newburyport not being our best moment, i did appreciate walking in the rain with you that first day.

Meandering in and out of stores, looking at items we could see in Wickford... except for the occasional unique thing, such as the metal water bottles.

I still love the one you ordered me for father's day.

august 15, 2001

Lucy's delivery was simultaneously wonderful and scary. Seeing you in so much pain made me realize what a sacrifice you were making for us, our family, the next step in our lives.

I remember how brave you were, for both births, and was unsure if i could be so brave in the same situation.

December 31, 2006

That late afternoon, we were confused about Chelsea wanting to do "bread" as she held up her cup of sparkling cider. After a few moments, it hit us that she wanted to do a toast, as we had done moments before.

We all laughed, even Lucy, even Chelsea.

While it's often the big moments that affect me, these smaller pools of memories are more unbearable

hauntings

It never became old seeing you walking through town, especially when least expected it as I ran in quick from work or errands. Your walk is confident yet not overly so, and it gives the appearance of you gliding.

And begs the question, what could I have done to give you the same?